Upon the Stair
by sheepish123
Summary: After the sudden death of Charles Patton, Amanda is overcome with unwanted memories of the past as she begins experiencing frightening hallucinations. Trigger warnings inside. Amanda/Olivia friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**This story is a short two-shot that takes place in season 20, but Jesse and baby Billie don't exist, and Amanda is not dating Dr. Al. I've made a few changes to the storyline with Patton.  
**

**Trigger warning: There are vague mentions of rape in this chapter, and there will be more in the next, so please take care while reading. **

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"_Yesterday, upon the stair,_

_I met a man who wasn't there,_

_He wasn't there again today,_

_Oh how I wish he'd go away."_

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He is haunting her.

Despite not believing in ghosts, it's the first explanation that comes to mind when Amanda sees him sitting there one day after work, lounging on the staircase with his trademark smirk and looking for all the world like he belongs in her apartment building instead of spending eternity burning in the fiery pits of hell.

Her usual routine of taking the stairs rather than using the elevator, a simple way to help keep herself in shape and maintain her athletic figure as she approaches the age of forty, is swiftly interrupted and leaves her stunned and trembling, gawking in disbelief at her former deputy chief who had been killed in a car accident in Atlanta a month prior.

As they stare intently at each other in the stuffy, enclosed space, Amanda can't help thinking how appropriate it is that the man who had once haunted her in life is now doing the same in death. She has somehow known all along that she would never be completely free of him; the news of his sudden passing not filling her with the relief and joy she thought it would, but causing an indescribable darkness that has permeated every aspect of her life ever since.

Maybe it is the abrupt return of the nightmares and flashbacks that she had put behind her so long ago, or the urge to gamble that has reared its ugly head after all these years of sobriety, her favorite pasttime and a compulsion so intense, it's hard to ignore, that makes his death difficult to accept instead of the celebration that it should be. Before she had begun receiving texts from her mother informing her of the grisly collision that had claimed the lives of Charles Patton and his long-suffering wife, their mangled bodies requiring the "Jaws of Life" to pull them from the wreckage but both of them dying a short time later in hospital, Amanda had barely spared the man a second thought.

Once she had been able to get a handle on her demons after Patton's visit to her city a few years previous, and they had ceased to control her entire existence, life had continued on in a normal blur of work and morning jogs and caring for Frannie, with the occasional date or squad hangout thrown in for good measure. She should have known that it couldn't possibly last, though; that Charles Patton would eventually invade her brain yet again, just like he had when she was a young detective back in Atlanta, caving in to his every whim and desire, no matter how humiliating or depraved, and years later when he had shown up in New York with Reese Taymor, a woman eerily similar to herself.

Consumed with terror and confusion, Amanda spends that night huddled in bed in a state of sleepless exhaustion with Frannie curled into her side, counting down the hours until morning and desperate to see the bright rays of sunshine filtering in through the curtains. Morbid curiosity gets the better of her the next day, however; tiptoeing down the stairs with her travel mug of coffee clutched in a shaky hand, ready to attribute the horrific sighting of her former boss to extreme fatigue and too many hours spent at the precinct, her heart sinking when she sees him sprawled there once again.

The older man looks the same as he did when they had worked together in Amanda's home state, dressed impeccably in a suit and tie with his greying hair carefully styled; no trace of blood or torn flesh or broken bones, like Amanda has imagined him appearing at the time of his death. He doesn't speak; just stares and smiles, those dark eyes boring into her soul as if privy to all of her closely-guarded secrets, and that evil smile stretching into a full-fledged grin as a hand drifts down to his bulging crotch, Amanda turning away in disgust and fear.

Her mind is a whirling mess of scattered thoughts and fragmented memories when she reaches the precinct, wondering if she looks as bad as she feels and taking a giant gulp of her coffee with the hope that the caffeine will do its job and wake her up. Amanda's heart is racing and her vision is blurry as she sits down at her desk, mumbling a distracted "good morning" to her colleagues when Fin and Carisi both greet her cheerfully from their own work areas.

"Shit!" she yelps in surprise as her coffee promptly spills across the keyboard of her laptop as soon as her butt hits the chair, springing back up to her feet and realizing that the hot liquid has also sloshed onto her dress pants, both legs now stained with flecks of dark fluid.

"You okay, 'Manda?" Fin asks in concern, Amanda shrugging off Carisi's touch when her fellow detective is immediately by her side with a hand on her shoulder, echoing his co-worker's worry. "Did you burn yourself?"

"Yeah, a little," she admits in frustration, raking her hands through her hair and trying not to wince at the stinging sensation on the skin of her thighs as she scoops up her gym bag from the floor beside her chair. "I have some extra clothes in my bag, so I'm going to go get changed. I'll be right back."

Amanda moves away from her desk at lightning speed before another word can be spoken, no patience for either of the men or herself, and has to keep from shrieking in both shock and irritation when she collides with Olivia on her way past the lieutenant's office.

"Whoa, where's the fire?" the older woman demands, Amanda shrugging away when she feels gentle hands encircling her upper arms to steady her.

"Just get away from me, Liv," she mutters under her breath, a twinge of guilt briefly overtaking the mixture of other volatile emotions when she sees the hurt expression on Olivia's face.

"I'm sorry," Amanda continues in a choked tone, sidestepping the brunette's touch again when Olivia reaches for her, and whirling on her heel to head for the crib. "I'll be back in a minute, okay? I need to get changed."

She hurries toward the stairs and ignores Olivia's voice calling after her, just needing to be alone for a few minutes to gather her thoughts and catch her breath. Amanda stifles a stunned gasp when she reaches the bottom of the staircase and realizes she can go no further because Patton is blocking her way, that same smug smile pulling on his mouth as he lounges there with his legs crossed casually at the ankle, looking relaxed and content without a care in the world.

"Fuck," she whispers in terror, watching as Patton arches a suggestive eyebrow at the curse word and runs his tongue slowly around his lips, a lewd image from a long-ago, dingy motel room instantly popping up in her mind. "Why won't you leave me the hell alone?"

"Amanda!" Olivia's voice is ringing out through the squad room behind her and catching the attention of every police officer who is passing through, Amanda's head whipping away from the monster on the steps and watching as the older woman strides determinedly toward her with a concerned look on her face.

She doesn't want everyone staring at her, aware that she must look a little crazy with coffee stains on her pants, blonde hair windblown, and face drained of all color. Her entire body is shaking so hard that she nearly loses the grip she has on her gym bag, resolving to stop talking to a man who is buried six feet under in a coffin in Atlanta and not actually sitting there in her own precinct.

When Amanda turns back toward the stairs, a wave of relief washes over her when she notices they are now empty and Patton is nowhere to be seen, taking the opportunity to vault up the steps two at a time in an effort to escape from Olivia. She wenches open the door to the crib and slams it shut when she is safely inside, leaning back against it for a moment as her breath emits in harsh pants and glad there is no one else occupying the room with her.

Amanda jumps as a sharp knock sounds right where her head is resting and the sound reverberates through her brain, rolling her eyes as she skitters away from the door and begins unzipping her gym bag in search of a clean pair of slacks. "Will you please just give me a minute, Liv? I'm sorry I snapped at you downstairs, but I spilled some coffee on myself and I need to get changed, okay?"

"I'm not going to invade your privacy, Amanda." Olivia's soft voice drifts into the room from the other side of the door as Amanda kicks off her shoes and yanks her damp dress pants down her legs, sighing as she steps out of them and appraises the faint red streaks marring her skin. "But we need to have a chat as soon as you're done, alright?"

"I don't want to chat..." Amanda begins to grumble in dissent, her voice fading away into a horrified squeak when she spots Patton stretched out across one of the narrow beds nearby.

He is completely nude now, not a stitch of clothing to be seen, and her stomach turns over as she watches the older man stroke himself before letting go, his hand drifting down to give an inviting pat to the mattress he is lying on. An involuntary whimper emanates from her trembling lips, Amanda clapping a hand against her mouth to hold back the vomit that rushes up her throat as she is instantly catapulted back into another time and place.

"Amanda, what's wrong?" Olivia obviously hasn't left to go back downstairs yet, her voice still audible on the opposite side of the door, and Amanda's annoyance quickly melts away to be replaced with a desperate desire for the brunette's presence, in spite of the inappropriate nature of the situation.

"Can you come in here, Liv?" she calls out in a shuddering tone, frozen to the spot even though she is about to be standing in front of her boss wearing nothing but a blouse, and a pair of striped underwear and matching socks, her soiled trousers pooled in a heap at her feet.

The door opens a second later, an expression of surprise and worry crossing Olivia's features as she steps inside and closes it behind her, dark gaze fixing intently on Amanda's face. "You look like you've just seen a ghost," she remarks quietly, Amanda unable to help the bitter laugh that escapes her lips at this accurate assessment. "You also have tears in your eyes. Do they hurt that badly?"

"Huh? What are you talking about?" she murmurs in confusion, her thoughts and memories so muddled inside her brain that she can feel a headache coming on. "Does what hurt?"

"The burns," Olivia replies softly, gesturing down to her bare legs. "They don't look very bad and I'm guessing they won't take too long to heal, but I can get you a cold cloth to put on them, if you want. I'm sure it will make them feel better."

"No, don't leave!" Amanda begs loudly, instantly regretting her uncharacteristic neediness when Olivia's eyebrows shoot up on her forehead and the other woman rushes to her side.

"Tell me what's going on, Amanda," her boss prods firmly, Amanda's legs almost giving out from beneath her when she catches another glimpse of Patton in her peripheral vision and has to refrain from throwing herself into Olivia's arms and pleading for protection from a man who doesn't even exist anymore.

Instead of spilling her guts and letting Olivia know what's been going on lately, she allows the taller woman to guide her over to a nearby bed and help her sit down on a mattress so thin, she can feel the springs coiled loosely beneath the material. Amanda is feeling so out of sorts that speaking is much too difficult for her right now, her mouth working but no sound coming out, and intense shivers racking her small frame.

When Olivia leans away to grasp onto the gym bag that has tumbled to the floor and spilled some of its contents, Amanda panics and does exactly what she had been longing to do a moment earlier; tossing her arms around Olivia's shoulders and tucking her face into her neck. She hears a stunned squawk sound right next to her ear and after a short hesitation, Olivia is hugging her back just as tightly, strong arms winding around Amanda's midsection and pulling her impossibly closer.

They hold onto each other without saying a word, Amanda's eyes clenching shut and her heart rate picking up speed when Patton appears again behind Olivia's bent head, muffling a cry into the fabric of the lieutenant's blazer. She can't seem to get herself under control, her breath puffing out in ragged wheezes and having trouble drawing in enough air to breathe deeply without gasping and choking.

She is dismayed when Olivia rears back in response to the garbled noise, Amanda's eyelids flying open and her arms shooting out to grab onto the curvy figure, keeping Olivia locked into a kneeling position on the floor so she can continue holding on tightly. But the older woman's hands are clutching onto Amanda's arms instead, Olivia's fingertips digging into the sleeves of her blouse with no small amount of urgency, brown eyes wide and alarmed as they gaze at one another.

"Amanda, what the hell is going on here? I need you to start talking to me _right_ _now_."

"It's okay, he's gone," she finds herself whispering in relief, throwing a swift glance toward the now-empty spot where Patton has just materialized, but trepidation coloring her satisfaction when she wonders how long the reprieve will last.

"Who's gone?" Olivia asks in confusion, a frown creasing her beautiful features as she turns her head to look in the same direction as Amanda. "I didn't see anyone else on the stairs when I was on my way up here and this room is empty, other than the two of us. So who are you talking about? Was someone bothering you earlier?"

"Yeah, in a manner of speaking," Amanda mutters almost inaudibly as a blush of embarrassment creeps up her neck and into her face, forcing herself to let go of Olivia and lean back on the bed to adopt a more relaxed pose, grabbing the blanket and pulling it over her lap as an afterthought.

"What does that mean?" the older woman replies insistently, Amanda stifling a sigh because she knows Olivia is not going to let this go until she gets to the bottom of whatever is happening with her detective.

"I've, um, been having some flashbacks and nightmares again," she admits quietly, deciding that it's best to be partially honest but choosing to keep the worst of it to herself until she can figure out exactly what is happening and make it stop.

"About Charles Patton?" Olivia questions gently, Amanda quirking an eyebrow in surprise and suddenly frightened that her boss knows more about her personal life than she is letting on.

"You haven't been acting like yourself since his death," Olivia continues softly, obviously recognizing the stricken expression on Amanda's face and seeking to reassure her. "Don't worry, it's nothing major, and Fin and Carisi haven't said anything to me about your behavior. It's just little things here and there that I've starting noticing. I was trying to decide on the best time to bring it up with you and ask if you wanted to talk about it, but I know what a private person you are and I didn't want to invade your space while you're going through something painful and challenging. But the time has come to stop keeping these things to yourself."

"It's just...I thought it would be-" Amanda is struggling to speak again, ashamed that Olivia has been observing the changes in her demeanor, even though she is not entirely shocked by this revelation, knowing the lieutenant always keeps a close eye on her squad.

"You thought it would be different?" Olivia supplies tenderly, Amanda giving a slow nod as the other woman reaches over to tuck a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. "You're supposed to be happy and relieved that he's gone, but it just brings everything back up again, doesn't it? Hearing about him, seeing his face online and in the newspaper and the articles dredging up details of his trial, brought back bad memories and reminded you of the way things used to be. I've been there too, honey. Sometimes it seems like the person who tormented you in life is now haunting you in death."

Amanda is startled by this astute observation, Olivia perfectly stating what she has been going through recently and contemplating how difficult it must have been for the older woman following her ordeals with William Lewis, aware that she had still been suffering even after his demise. Olivia has never spoken much about her brutal experiences with her own monster, and although Amanda had been very concerned at the time, she had not wanted to pry into the other woman's private business, conscious of just how alike she and Olivia have always been when it comes to sharing personal information.

It is hovering right on the tip of her tongue now, the shameful confession that Amanda is pretty sure she is losing her mind nearly tumbling forth from her lips, but swallowing back the words just in the nick of time before they can be spoken aloud. She resolves to be stronger and try as hard as she can to push through this latest setback; determined to deal with it, get over it, and move on, just like she has successfully done so many times in the past.

But when Olivia's arms close around her again in another comforting embrace and Amanda spots a familiar shadowy figure out of the corner of her eye, she has no idea how to go about reclaiming her life as her own.

That feeling of dread is simmering deep down inside once again, the unwavering certainty that she is trapped forever in this hellish existence and will never be free of Charles Patton.

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_The poem at the beginning of this chapter was written by William Hughes Mearns in 1899, and is called "Antigonish". I have seen a few different versions of this poem, so I'm not sure which one is correct. I apologize if I've gotten the words wrong. _


	2. Chapter 2

**I thought this story was just going to be a two-shot, but there will be one more chapter after this. Another reminder that Jesse and Billie don't exist in this fic, and Amanda is not dating Dr. Al. I've made some changes to the storyline with Patton.  
**

**Trigger warning: This chapter deals with sexual assault, so please be aware of that before reading any further. I've decided to change the rating of this story to an M, due to the mature subject matter.  
**

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A few weeks later, he is still haunting her.

Amanda doesn't know how she has made it this far with her sanity intact, frequently wondering if she's actually going crazy but managing to convince herself that everything is fine when there is a lull between appearances. Quickly learning that she doesn't have to see Charles Patton if she is able to avoid certain areas, Amanda has made a supreme effort to stay away from the stairwells at both her residence and place of work, as well as the crib at the precinct, although it doesn't always work out that way.

She tries not to think too deeply about why he keeps showing up in these particular spots; determined not to dwell on horrific memories of the past, and continuing to push through the nightmares and flashbacks and sightings of her former boss in an attempt to move forward with her life. Amanda has gotten pretty good at steering clear of anything that might be a trigger and repeatedly assuring her lieutenant that she is doing okay and doesn't need to talk or make an appointment for a therapy consult, congratulating herself on her ability to play it cool whenever the need arises.

Her hard-fought battle to keep things as normal as possible comes crashing to an abrupt halt when she arrives home from work one day to find that the elevator in her building is now out of order. Something must have happened in the intervening hours she has been gone, since it was working well that morning and there weren't any issues that she was aware of before leaving for the day.

Amanda stares at the sign hanging from the closed doors with a feeling of dread pooling in her stomach, bracing herself for what is to come when she has to enter the stairwell, a place she has recently started avoiding at all costs, swiftly abandoning her attempts to keep in shape by using the elevator instead. She briefly considers just striding right back out of the building and spending the night in a hotel, hoping the elevator will be fixed by the time she returns the next morning, even though she knows this isn't an option.

Frannie is waiting for her up in the apartment, her beloved pet most likely very anxious for her dinner and needing to be taken for a walk, Amanda lecturing herself on being brave for the animal that she loves so much. She takes a deep breath and slowly pushes open the door to the stairwell, the musty space instantly closing in on her and making her head spin dizzily, all of the air sucked from her lungs at what she sees.

As expected, Patton is right there in front of her, the older man standing upright instead of lounging on the steps like he usually is, the expression on his face both smug and sinister when his eyes fixate upon her. He is taller than Amanda remembers him being, her former commanding officer towering over her much shorter frame with his muscles coiled and his body held taut, as if he is waiting to make a move.

She stops dead in her tracks and stares at him in horror, bringing a hand up to her mouth to muffle a panicked shriek and her feet frozen to the spot when he springs forward without warning, lunging toward her and backing her into a corner, effectively trapping her against the wall. The cold cement is rubbing roughly into her back as Patton lays both of his hands flat on either side of her head with his fingers splayed out across the wall, Amanda turning her face to the side as rank breath smelling of coffee and cigar smoke comes blowing into her face. Amanda's own breath is emitting in ragged, irregular gasps, squeezing her legs together tightly when he presses himself hard against her and she can feel his erection poking into her hip, her heart hammering frantically against her rib cage.

"Please leave me alone," she whispers through clenched teeth, simultaneously wanting to scream in an effort to alert someone to her torment, but terrified that one of her neighbors will find her like this and assume she has lost her mind. "Why are you doing this to me?"

There is no response forthcoming and she remains locked into this uncomfortable position, plastered firmly into the wall for the next several minutes until she can't handle it anymore and decides to take action. Amanda pulls her phone from her pocket with clumsy movements, almost dropping the device onto the floor as trembling fingers scroll through the long list of names until she lands on the one she is searching for and swipes a thumb over it.

She cringes with guilt upon hearing Olivia's cheerful and curious greeting when the other woman answers, the lieutenant probably wondering why her detective is calling when they have just parted ways at the precinct, and an explosion of childish laughter sounding in the background. Noah is giggling hysterically and Olivia's chuckles are radiating through the phone despite an obvious attempt to muffle the noise, Amanda's guilt heightening when she realizes that she is interrupting some rare and precious mother/son time, something she knows Olivia cherishes above all else.

She instantly regrets calling, wishing she had just sent Olivia a text or perhaps not even contacted her at all, especially when the older woman begins prodding her to speak when Amanda can't seem to locate her voice to explain what's going on, the cheer falling away to be replaced with concern.

"Amanda, are you there? Hello? Noah, just quiet down for a minute, okay, sweetie? I'm talking to Auntie Amanda."

"Hi, Auntie 'Manda! I miss you! Come over and play with me!" she hears the little boy shout enthusiastically, and that's all it takes for the tears to start, Amanda desperately wishing she was spending time with the two of them at Olivia's place instead of remaining cornered in this stinking stairwell with a man who has been dead for several weeks.

"Amanda, hey, just take a deep breath and talk to me, okay? Tell me what's going on," Olivia encourages softly, her voice lower and more urgent now.

"You're busy," Amanda whimpers sorrowfully, her eyes squeezing shut when a tear rises to the surface and leaks through her lashes. "I can call back."

"I'm not busy," Olivia soothes patiently. "I just got home. Lucy is still here and Noah wants her to stay for awhile, so I was going to order some dinner and put a movie on. You're welcome to join us, if you'd like." There is a brief pause, as if the other woman is contemplating her next words. "Or I can come to you, and the two of us can have dinner together instead. We can talk in person."

"I don't want to ruin your time with Noah," Amanda weeps guiltily, gagging as Patton bends down and leans his face even closer to her, his lips hovering so near to her own that they are breathing the same putrid air.

"You're not ruining anything," Olivia assures her softly. "I can spend time with Noah later this evening. I always let him stay up late on Friday nights and I have the weekend off, so there's plenty of time to spend together. Let me help you, honey. Do you want me to meet you at your place?"

"Yes," Amanda replies meekly, a wave of shame washing over her but unable to see any other way out of this situation as she remains pinned to the wall. "But I'm not in my apartment. I'm in the stairwell on the ground floor."

"What are you doing in there?" Olivia asks in confusion, the blatant worry in her voice spiking even higher. "Did something happen? Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm not hurt. I just need you. Please hurry, Liv," she begs through a broken sob, changing her mind about feeling guilty and wanting nothing more than to be wrapped up in the comforting arms of her friend, like that day in the crib when she had spilled coffee on herself.

Olivia promises to get there as quick as she possibly can, the older woman making sure she doesn't need medical attention or police assistance, until Amanda finally confesses that she has been having flashbacks again and can't make them stop. This seems close enough to the actual truth without actually letting on that a dead man is standing directly in front of her, Amanda swallowing hard against the vomit that rushes up her throat when he rubs himself into her thigh.

This disgusting and humiliating behavior continues until Olivia arrives, Patton trailing his fingers up and down the length of her body as he grinds roughly against her and breathes harshly into her face, only stepping away when the door bursts open and bangs loudly into the wall with the force of the motion. Amanda has never been so happy to see anyone in her entire life, her shuddering form practically crumpling to the ground with relief when Olivia rushes over to her, brown eyes darting wildly around the interior of the stairwell, as if the brunette expects to see someone else in there with them or is searching for a perpetrator.

"I got here as fast as I could." Olivia's breathing is just as heavy and uneven as her own, long fingers closing around Amanda's upper arms as her boss pulls her gently away from the wall. "What are you doing in here? Are you still having flashbacks?"

"I couldn't move." Amanda's eyes slam shut again, unable to stand looking at Patton for another second, and she feels Olivia shaking her lightly to get her attention.

"Why couldn't you move?"

"I was too scared." She takes the chance and cracks one eyelid open, noticing Patton still lurking in her peripheral vision but choosing to focus on Olivia's concerned features instead, the other woman's beautiful face floating hazily in front of her.

Olivia's hands are still on her arms, the older woman giving a slight tug as if she wants her to move closer, and that's all it takes for Amanda to break out of her immobility and throw herself against her chest. Amanda clings tightly to Olivia's taller frame, pushing her face into her neck as she shakes violently, every ounce of shame melting away to be replaced with the relief that is growing ever stronger.

"Amanda, please talk to me," Olivia implores as she feels those strong, safe arms looping around her and imparting a tender squeeze. "Tell me what you're doing in here and why you're so scared. I know you said that you're having flashbacks, but I feel like you've been holding something back. Please tell me the whole truth this time."

Amanda takes a deep breath, deciding to be brutally honest at long last, and preparing to face the consequences if it means getting a chance at a better quality of life. "Charles Patton is here."

She feels Olivia go rigid in her embrace before the older woman pulls away just enough so they can make eye contact with each other, smooth fingers coming up to grasp onto both sides of her face. "What do you mean? You can see him right now? He's in the stairwell with us?"

Amanda nods mutely as she catches another glimpse of him out of the corner of her eye, a tear slipping down her cheek and her hands rising up to grab onto Olivia's wrists in an anxious gesture, silently beseeching the brunette not to let go.

"Oh, sweetheart." Olivia's voice is radiating with empathy and compassion and worry, but no judgment whatsoever. "How long has this been going on?"

"Not long," Amanda whispers evasively before adding, "but long enough."

"I wish you'd said something to me sooner," Olivia murmurs into her ear when Amanda finds herself being pulled into another hug, wrapping her arms gratefully around a curvy waist and holding on for dear life. "Let's get you out of here. We'll go up to your place and chat some more, okay?"

"We have to take the stairs," Amanda mumbles fearfully, hiding her face in Olivia's neck once again when she gets another peek at Patton. "The elevator isn't working right now."

"Well, that's okay, isn't it?" Olivia replies quietly, Amanda feeling her body being jostled lightly as they walk toward the steps together, the older woman obviously trying to put her at ease with a bit of banter. "I could certainly use the exercise, and I seem to recall you telling me that you take the stairs everyday to stay in shape, which is great. I don't even remember the last time I took the stairs, though, so if I pass out at any point on the way up, you'll have to catch me."

"I hate taking the stairs now." Amanda disregards the attempt at humor, her voice dropping back down to a whisper as she has trouble separating herself from Olivia in order to begin the climb. "I try not to come in here anymore. He's always waiting for me."

Olivia is disturbingly silent as they make their way up to Amanda's floor, and she is unsure whether it's because the older woman is just trying to save her breath or if it's due to what she has just said and the state that Olivia had found her in. She guesses it's the latter, her heart pounding with trepidation at what awaits her when they finally start talking honestly and she lays all the cards on the table, wondering with a jolt of terror if her job is now in jeopardy due to her mental breakdown and confession of seeing someone who isn't actually there.

When they reach Amanda's apartment, her hand shaking so hard that she can't even fit the key into the lock and Olivia taking it from her to complete the task, she staggers over to the couch without shedding any of her outdoor clothing and collapses onto the cushions, Frannie bounding over to greet her with slobbery kisses. She had kept her eyes trained on the next step for the duration of time it had taken them to walk up those stairs, not chancing a look around in case she got another glimpse of Patton while in Olivia's presence, and the utter relief she feels at being in her own space with her affectionate pet by her side is enough to have tears welling in her eyes again.

She figures it is safe here inside her home, as Amanda has never seen him in her personal space before, frowning slightly when she thinks of the possible reasons for that and wishing she didn't have to delve too deeply into this ever-spiralling issue. She just wants it all to stop; is desperate for everything to return to normal without examining the situation too closely, aware that she now needs to deal with Olivia's wide-eyed intensity and probing questions as the other woman stands in front of her with her arms crossed over her chest and a toe tapping against the floor.

The brunette seems to realize that her stance likely appears demanding or impatient, Amanda shifting over on the couch to make room when Olivia sits down beside her and Frannie gives her boss' cheek a welcoming lick. They gaze at each other in silence for a moment and Amanda clears her throat uneasily, suddenly feeling very exposed even though she is slumped there in full winter gear and is wearing a lot more clothing than the last time she had broken down in Olivia's company.

She might as well be perched stark naked on the cushions as Olivia's eyes bore unblinkingly into her own, forehead puckered in a frown and lips flattened into a thin line, Amanda getting the unnerving sense that her lieutenant can see every part of her, including the parts she wishes to keep hidden. But she knows that it's in her best interest to finally get everything out into the open with someone she trusts with her life, although the potential ramifications of being entirely truthful are weighing heavily upon her.

"You said that he's always waiting for you in the stairwell." When Olivia finally speaks, her voice is quiet and gentle and not ringing with any of the intensity that has just been blazing in her facial expression and evident in her body language. "When was the first time this happened?"

"About a month after he died," Amanda replies softly, another hint of relief poking up through the terror and misery and uncertainty when she speaks the truth. "It caught me completely off guard. I went to use the stairs after work, just like I always used to do, and he was sitting there. I couldn't believe what I was seeing."

"And that day in the crib?" Olivia prods delicately, Amanda watching as the older woman shifts closer to her on the couch, wrestling between the impulse to throw herself into Olivia's arms again and the urge to jump up from the sofa to make an escape. "Did you see him then? I remember telling you that you needed to talk to me, but you said it was okay because he was gone. Were you referring to Patton?"

"Yeah, I saw him," Amanda admits in a whispered tone, her entire body beginning to shake again with these alarming revelations. "He was sitting on the stairs when I went up to the crib, and then he was inside the room with me too. He was lying on one of the beds."

Her face burns with mortification as she recalls seeing him stretched out across the narrow bed, nude and aroused, sucking in a sharp breath as an unwanted memory from the past slams into her so hard, it almost knocks her over. Amanda's eyes blur with more tears and she wrenches her head away from Olivia's hand when the other woman tries to touch her cheek, her mouth dragging down at the side as she tries to stifle a sob and Frannie letting out an anxious whine in response.

"Amanda, it's okay, honey." Olivia's hand briefly grazes her back, fingernails dragging lightly across the material of her jacket before falling away. "You're safe now. He's not really here. It's just you and me. Whatever is on your mind right now happened in the past; it's not actually happening in this moment. Everything is fine."

Amanda knows that Olivia is just placating her; that everything is definitely _not_ fine and there is still so much more to talk about, so she opens her mouth to do just that, the secrets that have been bottled up inside for so long spilling out in a torrent of mumbled words. "I know he's not here, Liv. He's never in my apartment. He's only on the stairs and in the crib. So that's why I try to avoid those areas."

"Why do you think you only see him there?" Olivia asks with so much tenderness in her tone that Amanda has to blink rapidly in an effort to hold back the tidal wave of tears, longing to sink into the older woman's arms but holding herself rigidly on the cushions instead. "Did something happen in those places back in Atlanta?"

Amanda doesn't answer, her mind whirling with so many horrors of the past that she is completely overwhelmed and rendered entirely mute; blurry images of shadowy stairwells and beds that creak with too much movement, a large hand clamping over her mouth and a rough voice in her ear ordering her to stay still. The walls feel like they're closing in on her now, the oxygen stolen from her lungs and black spots dancing around the edges of her vision to taunt her with impending unconsciousness, aware that Olivia is speaking again but unable to understand what she is saying.

Amanda staggers to her feet with the intention of opening a window to let the chilly gusts of wind inside, hoping the fresh air will clear her head and banish all thoughts of Charles Patton, when her knees suddenly buckle beneath her and she begins tumbling toward the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

**This was supposed to be the final chapter of the story, but there will be one more update after this. Sorry for taking so long to update; I'll try to get the next one done more quickly. This chapter picks up right where the previous one left off. **

**Trigger warning****: This chapter contains detailed discussions of sexual assault, so please be aware of that before you continue reading.  
**

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She can't seem to escape from him.

Amanda is lying on the floor with her head resting in Olivia's lap and Frannie snuggled into her side, an occasional whimper emitting from her lips as images of Charles Patton play on an endless loop inside her brain. They are both still wearing their winter jackets, the older woman gently stroking Amanda's hair away from her face while murmuring quiet words of comfort, repeatedly assuring her that they will get everything figured out and she is going to be okay.

Olivia had managed to catch Amanda just in the nick of time before she had collapsed onto the hard tiles, and is now talking her through a horrific series of flashbacks that are coupled with overwhelming anxiety. A cool hand is placed upon her forehead, Olivia trailing one fingertip over her cheekbone in a soothing motion, and Amanda has the sudden urge to scramble up from the floor and climb into Olivia's lap so she can be held like a child; wanting nothing more than to curl up in the safety of her lieutenant's strong arms.

But she remains right where she is, concentrating on the calming sensation of Olivia's hand gliding across her face and sweeping over her head, long fingers combing through her hair and scratching lightly at her scalp. Amanda loses track of time and doesn't know how long she has been lying there, the panic eventually dulling enough under Olivia's tender ministrations that she is hovering close to sleep.

"Okay, come on, honey, let's get you off the floor." She is startled by the sound of the older woman's voice, which is now being spoken at a normal volume, jerking slightly in Olivia's embrace and allowing the brunette to help her into a sitting position.

During the slow and clumsy process of getting to her feet again, Amanda loops her arms around Olivia's neck for balance and finds herself sinking heavily into the taller form of her boss, the two of them flopping back down onto the floor with Amanda now cuddled in Olivia's lap and Frannie sticking close to her side. Despite being ensconced in the exact spot she had longed to be in a few moments earlier, Amanda feels a flush of embarrassment creeping up her neck and into her face, attempting to pull away with awkward, shaky movements before giving up and slumping into Olivia's chest.

"It's okay, we'll just stay here for a minute, if you're not quite ready to get up," Olivia concedes in a whispered tone, the fingers that are stroking through her hair again quickly lulling Amanda back into a state of calm as she tries to ignore the sheer mortification of being cradled like a baby in her lieutenant's lap.

The quiet stretches out between them again, Amanda's eyelids fluttering closed as she inhales the comforting scent of Olivia's shampoo and perfume, trying to keep herself grounded in the present instead of letting her mind float back to the horrors of the past. But the persistent memories remain; hazy images that become sharper in her brain the more she fixates on them, Amanda painfully aware that the rape she had endured in the motel room had been the culmination of many smaller but no less significant events that had lead up to the ultimate betrayal by her superior officer.

"I used to think of myself as tough and knowledgeable, even though I was from a tiny town in Georgia and didn't really know anything about the ways of the world," Amanda begins murmuring without opening her eyes, feeling Olivia shift beneath her and the grip her boss has around her body tighten somewhat to show that she is listening.

"When we were growing up, Kim was the naive one and I was her protector. It wasn't that she was lacking in smarts, exactly; it was just that she didn't think about the consequences of her actions and would get herself into all sorts of trouble," Amanda explains softly, the complicated feelings she has for her sister so twisted up within that she is unsure if she will ever be able to sort them out and rid herself of that underlying resentment. "I definitely got into a lot of trouble of my own, but it was more thought-out and well-planned. I didn't fall for other people's acts, the way Kim did. I could always see what people were really like underneath their smiles and the stuff they said, but when things started getting, well..._weird_...with Patton, I didn't even notice at first."

Amanda feels a deep wash of shame at the thought of the young, excited police officer she once was, so eager to prove herself in the boys club and willing to play along, even when certain interactions didn't seem entirely appropriate and those vague moments of discomfort began to lengthen and sharpen into actual fear.

"What do you mean by 'weird'?" Olivia asks gently, although Amanda can hear the sad, knowing note in her tone.

"It started out so innocently, that I barely even gave it a passing thought at first," Amanda admits as she gulps hard around the lump of emotion rising in her throat, and chastises herself yet again for not being able to see what was so blatantly obvious. "In fact, I was even flattered a few times. He told me that I looked nice one day; he would notice if I got my hair done and would make sure to compliment me on it. But then the comments started getting more suggestive, and weren't really things that a boss should be saying to his subordinate. It was just plain weird, and I wasn't flattered anymore."

"So this type of behavior was going on for quite awhile before that night in the motel room?" Olivia clarifies softly, Amanda feeling a comforting squeeze on her hand and immediately squeezing back, no longer wanting her own space and eager for that special brand of empathy and compassion that only Olivia can give.

"Yeah, almost since the beginning of my time there." Amanda's voice has fallen to a whisper and she keeps her eyes firmly closed while they talk, willing the dizziness to begin dissipating. "He started getting more aggressive and it scared me."

"Aggressive in what way?" Olivia's tone is quiet and undemanding, as if letting Amanda know that it's okay to take as much time as she needs to sort through her thoughts and get the words out.

"Well, pretty soon it wasn't just the way he spoke to me that made me feel uncomfortable." Amanda's front teeth dig deeply into her lower lip as she recalls the first time she had been truly frightened of the older man. "It progressed to touching. One day I was taking a nap in the crib during my lunch hour, to catch up on some sleep I had lost from working a big case we had just closed. I woke up to someone stroking my hair and when I opened my eyes, Patton was kneeling on the floor beside the bed. I was completely startled and when I asked him what he was doing, he said I was having a nightmare and had been whimpering in my sleep, and he was just trying to comfort me."

Amanda's voice is shaking as she realizes that she has never admitted these things out loud to anyone before; that the secrets she has long kept buried are finally being brought to light, and it is both relieving and terrifying at once. "I couldn't remember if I had been dreaming or not, so I wasn't sure if he was telling me the truth, but it seemed like he was lying. He was staring at me in such a strange way and he just looked so..._predatory_, like he had been planning on doing more if I hadn't woken up when I did. He kissed me on the forehead and told me to come back down to the squad room when I was ready, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that things weren't as innocent as he pretended them to be, and they were only going to get worse from there. After that incident, I was wary of being in the crib alone and tried my best not to be, but depending on the cases we were working and the number of hours I was pulling on my shifts, it didn't always turn out that way."

"Did he do other things when you were by yourself in the crib?" Olivia questions softly, Amanda feeling a sharp stab of sadness when she notices that the older woman's hand had stopped the soothing motions through her hair the instant she had mentioned Patton doing the same thing.

She longs to let Olivia know that it's okay to continue with an action that brings her so much comfort; that her current superior is nothing like her former superior, and she knows that Olivia would never do anything to harm her or make her feel unsafe. But instead of putting a voice to something that she so badly wants to say, Amanda simply nods and takes a deep breath before revealing more of what had taken place in the past.

"Eventually it got the point where he wasn't even trying to hide what he was doing or making excuses anymore, like he thought I was having a nightmare and he was just trying to help." Amanda is still keeping her eyelids closed while she speaks, not feeling the least bit inclined to make eye contact with her lieutenant during these revelations that cause her so much disgust and humiliation and fear. "He wasn't at the precinct all the time so I was always on edge, wondering when he would show up, and I started being afraid to do certain things or go specific places on my own in case he suddenly appeared, but it couldn't always be avoided. One time I woke up in the crib and he was crouched by the bed again, but instead of touching my hair, his hand was under the covers and he was massaging my legs. That's when I finally got up the courage to tell him that I preferred to be alone while I slept and I thought that what he was doing was wrong."

"So how did he respond to that?" Amanda is glad when she feels the light touch of Olivia's fingertips on her cheekbone, so desperate for the physical contact that she usually shuns; the other woman seeming to realize that and readily providing it for her.

"He shrugged it off, like I was making a big deal out of nothing, and actually said that he was just trying to be the type of boss he thought I would want; that he was a kind man who enjoyed taking care of the young detectives on the squad." Amanda gives a snort of disbelief and would have rolled her eyes in derision if they had been open. "I told him that I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself and he laughed at me, like he thought it was such a foolish thing to say. When I persisted and told him in no uncertain terms to back off, he wasn't in such a lighthearted mood anymore. That 'kindness' and 'care' he spoke of disappeared pretty quickly and he made it very clear that I better do whatever he wanted or my job would be on the line."

"I'm so sorry, honey." Olivia's voice is brimming with tender anguish, and Amanda reaches up to give the brunette's fingers a squeeze in response before she continues.

"Things just got worse from that point on. Once in awhile, he would take a big risk and actually be bold enough get into the bed with me to touch me more intimately." Amanda has to swallow down a wave of nausea at those long-ago, hazy events that are suddenly clear as day in her mind. "The beds always squeaked, so he would tell me not to move or we would get caught, like I was in on it with him and had never told him no...like it was consensual and we were sneaking around behind everyone's backs to have a little fun and blow off some steam. I was always torn between wanting someone to come in and praying no one would. I was so embarrassed that I let him do those things to me."

"Amanda, you didn't _let_ him-"

"I barely even remembered this stuff, Liv," Amanda interrupts swiftly, feeling that panic from earlier welling up inside again as her heart begins to beat faster; unwilling to discuss her own guilt about what had occurred with her deputy chief. "It was the night in the motel room that was always stuck in my mind; the thing I fixated on the most because it was the worst of everything he did to me, and the reason I would have so many flashbacks and nightmares back then. But when he died, all of this other stuff started coming back, including some things I didn't even remember. Why did it all come back now that he's gone? Shouldn't I be free of him? Shouldn't I be in peace now?"

"I don't think it works that way, honey," Olivia says softly, Amanda feeling a gentle tap against her forehead and assuming the older woman is trying to get her to open her eyes, but she keeps them resolutely shut, unable to look at her boss and friend while she is in such turmoil. "Some of my worst moments happened after Lewis had died, even though I knew he could never hurt me or anyone else ever again. The brain works in funny ways sometimes; it tries to protect us by blocking out traumatic events. But I think this is your brain's way of telling you that you haven't really processed everything that happened in the past, and you finally need some help to deal with it."

"You're helping me," Amanda points out, a tight knot of nervousness coiling in her stomach at the direction this conversation seems to be taking. "I wasn't even talking about it before, but I am now."

"And I'm honored that you trust me enough to share this with me, but I'm not a professional, Amanda." There is steely note beneath the gentleness of Olivia's voice now, and she knows there is no way the other woman is just going to back off and let this go. "These hallucinations that you've been having are very serious. They could be a symptom of PTSD, which wouldn't surprise me at all, considering what you went through and what you've pushed down for so long. I've been there myself, honey. And it's very important that we get you some help as soon as possible. This is only going to get worse if you continue to do nothing and just hope that it goes away."

That simmering panic rises up to fully engulf her at the mention of PTSD, and being snuggled in Olivia's embrace suddenly isn't the comforting sensation that it was just a short time ago, Amanda feeling the need to escape this discussion by downplaying recent events. "They're not that bad, Liv, really. I'm sure I'll be fine eventually. I'm not crazy."

"They _are_ that bad, Amanda, and probably much worse than what you've actually told me," Olivia replies firmly, barely a trace of that softness left in her tone now. "There's no shame in seeking help for this. And of course you're not crazy; you've suffered a huge and prolonged trauma that is being brought back up to the surface now. You don't need to be embarrassed about it, especially when you're with someone who's been through it."

"No, I shouldn't have said anything." There is a tidal wave of regret washing over Amanda now, and she yanks herself away from the hand that is resting on her forehead, finally opening her eyes and fixing her gaze on her loyal companion who is still sitting patiently next to them, Frannie's tail wagging happily when their eyes meet. "Now I'm going to lose my job."

"Amanda, just try to calm down." There is a gentle hand on her chin now, and Amanda knows that Olivia is trying to turn her head so they are looking at each other, but she steadfastly refuses to meet those penetrating dark eyes and continues staring at the furry form of her pet instead. "I'm glad you said something, and you're not going to lose your job. I didn't lose mine; I got the help I needed and took some time off to rest. It doesn't mean that you're suddenly going to be fired. It just means that you're going to have to put yourself first right now; that your job will have to be secondary for awhile."

Olivia's assurances are falling on deaf ears as Amanda is no longer able to listen to reason and feels completely overwhelmed and confused, visions of Patton threatening to take away her job in Atlanta whirling through her head again as she imagines the same situation happening now; that her job, her reason for living, the thing she is most proud of, will be ripped from her grasp. It is all too much to cope with and she finds herself struggling out of Olivia's lap and crawling on her hands and knees to get away from the other woman, staggering unsteadily to her feet and making a beeline for the door.

Amanda sprints from her apartment into the hallway on legs that are shaking so hard she can barely stand, hearing Olivia calling after her and listening to Frannie's paws skidding across the floor as her dog gives swift pursuit, momentarily forgetting that the elevator isn't working and she will have to take the stairs to get outside to the fresh air that she so desperately needs to help clear her head.

She hesitates briefly before swinging the door to the stairwell open, hoping against hope that Patton won't be waiting for her there once again, and not surprised in the least to see him leaning against the wall, the corner of his mouth pulled up into a smug sneer. Amanda hears the door open behind her and knows that Olivia has joined her in the musty space, feeling trapped between her former boss and her current one as Frannie bolts into the area and dances anxiously around her legs.

"Hey, come here, sweetheart," Olivia soothes urgently while Amanda teeters precariously on the top step. "Let's go back into your apartment, okay? I think it would be better to sit down and talk this through some more. You're really upset right now and I don't want you to hurt yourself. I didn't mean to scare you by bringing up the topic of PTSD. I don't know if that's what is actually going on here, but I do know that you need some help with this. I only want to make things easier for you, Amanda. I hate to see you suffering like this when you don't have to."

Amanda is scarcely listening to what Olivia is saying, her hands clutching tightly onto the railing as she stares at Patton in horror and feels a furry head bumping gently against the side of her leg, a whine rising up to echo throughout the stairwell.

"See, Frannie wants you to come back inside too," Olivia coaxes softly, the taller figure of the other woman appearing in Amanda's peripheral vision. "She's a smart girl. It's obvious that she's very concerned about you, and so am I."

"I'm so dizzy," Amanda whimpers as memories from the past continue to assault her senses until it seems as if she's not even in the present moment anymore; that she is stuck in a different time and place.

"Well, that's all the more reason to get off the stairs and go back to your apartment, then." She can see Olivia moving cautiously toward her and wants to reach out for the brunette, but her gaze is fixated on Patton, wide blue eyes unblinking and brimming with tears as she watches him intently.

"I don't want him to touch me again," Amanda moans in terror, beginning to hyperventilate and certain that she knows what is about to come next, as she has lived through this scenario many times before. "And I don't want to touch him either."

"He's not here, honey." Olivia's tone is calm and measured, although there are hints of worry and alarm evident beneath the placid voice. "I need you to slow your breathing down for me, okay?"

"I just need some fresh air, Liv. I can't breathe." Amanda feels like she is choking now, the breath sucked from her lungs as she imagines all of the degrading, painful acts that she is about to be forced into. "I want to get out of here. I want to go outside, where I can breathe and he can't hurt me. There are lots of people out there, so he won't do anything to me."

"Honey, he's not going to do anything to you at all. He's dead." Olivia's voice is more insistent now, and Amanda can see her take another small step closer. "We'll go back to your place and open a window, and we'll finally take off these winter coats and sit down on the couch where it's nice and cool and comfortable. It's not safe for you to be out here in this state, when you're so dizzy and seeing someone who isn't there."

Amanda is completely ignoring what Olivia says while she watches Patton advance toward her, the older man laughing as he unzips his dress pants, and she claps her hand over her mouth to avoid gagging as she sinks down onto the top step, clinging tightly onto the railing with her face pressed into the metal rungs.

"Liv, help me!" Amanda pleads raggedly, beginning to cry in great, gulping sobs as she clenches her eyes shut to avoid looking at him, her entire body stiffening as she awaits the touch that makes her want to crawl out of her own skin. "I don't want to do this anymore! Please just make it stop!"


	4. Chapter 4

**This is the final chapter of the story. Thank you for reading and reviewing. **

**Trigger warning: This chapter contains discussions of sexual assault, so please be aware of that before you continue reading. **

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He is never going to leave her alone.

Amanda hasn't been this sure of anything in her entire life as she continues to perch rigidly on the top step of the long flight of stairs, clutching onto the railing so hard that the metal bars are beginning to leave deep grooves in her sweating palms as a dull ache spreads through her fingers and into her hands. Her eyes remain firmly shut to block out the vision of the man who has put her through so much hell, but she knows he is still there; so overwhelmed by the dark presence she can sense hovering nearby that she barely takes notice of the furry face so close to her own, Frannie frantically licking the salty drops of tears from her cheeks.

Amanda knows that Olivia is still speaking to her, the older woman calmly but urgently trying to direct her away from the steps and out of the stuffy stairwell that has brought her so much agony, despite the fact that nothing traumatic has ever occurred in this particular space. Charles Patton has never been to this building, and the only trauma that is presently happening are the scenes playing out like a horror movie inside her head; the imagined scenario of what is about to take place so all-consuming that Amanda can't manage to see past it and recognize that she is safe.

"Help me, Liv, help me, Liv," she finds herself muttering over and over again, the desperately whispered pleas melding together in a jumble of nearly inaudible words as Amanda loses focus and doesn't even know what she is saying anymore.

"I'm trying to help you, Amanda." The brunette's voice finally cuts through her own terrified mumbling, the disturbing images in her head briefly grinding to a halt at Olivia's tone, which is louder and sharper than before. "I need you to listen to what I'm saying, alright? Just concentrate on my voice. I'm going to help you off the stairs and back to your apartment, so is it okay if I touch you? I'm just going to put my arms around you so you can stand up properly without falling. You're shaking really hard and I don't want you to injure yourself."

"Nooo," Amanda moans in anguish, pressing her face harder into the railing, as if she can somehow manage to fit through the tiny space between the slats and escape to the outdoors where she will finally be able to take a deep breath. "I don't want him to touch me. It's too much. He never stops. It hurts!"

"Amanda, Charles Patton is never going to touch you again, do you understand me?" Olivia replies sternly, the other woman's voice sounding closer now. "It's just me, it's Olivia Benson, and I want to know if I have your permission to help you stand up. Is that okay with you? Can I please help you?"

"Yeah...okay, Liv...you can help me." Amanda's answer is halting and unsure as she hears a heavy sigh of relief sound nearby, a part of her acknowledging that this is precisely what she wants, for Olivia to help her, but another part feeling uncertain and fearful at the prospect of someone else's hands on her body.

Tensing with anticipation, she listens to the footsteps walking slowly toward her and can't help the shriek of terror that bursts from her throat when a figure taller than herself sits down beside her on the step, the agonized noise that echoes throughout the stairwell sounding much louder than the continuous whimpers of anxiety from her pet. Amanda wraps her arms around her head and rocks forward in distress at the convoluted scenes that are running at warp speed through her brain; a mixture of past events and the humiliating and painful acts that she is sure are about to happen once Patton gets his hands on her again.

She feels her quivering form caught up in a strong embrace and her first instinct is to struggle like mad to get away, before remembering that it is just Olivia, her friend and lieutenant speaking soothingly into her ear and assuring Amanda that she is safe and no harm will come to her. Her body deflates bit by bit until she has melted with relief into Olivia's side, the older woman apologizing for engulfing her in such a tight bear hug while explaining the fear she has of her detective taking a tumble down the stairs and trying to prevent that from happening.

"He used to trap me in here," Amanda chokes out, more garbled confessions pouring from her trembling lips when she comes to the full realization that she is indeed safe with Olivia and Frannie, but still somewhat confused on Patton's exact whereabouts.

"No, not here...somewhere else..." Amanda frowns as she tries to collect her scattered thoughts and recall the events that had taken place in the past, reminding herself that they are not actually happening in the present. "At the precinct in Atlanta," she corrects decisively, giving a firm nod of her head. "He would push me into the corner of the stairwell, where we were out of sight if anyone came in. He would hold me against the wall and rub himself on me. He put his hands underneath my shirt and inside my pants, and he made me touch him too. I didn't want to, Liv, I swear."

The tears are pouring faster down her cheeks as she keeps her face resolutely turned away from Olivia, Frannie practically in her lap now as the dog seems to think it's her job to lick every last drop of anguish from her owner's skin. Amanda finally removes one of her hands from the death-grip she has on the railing and trails her fingers over the canine's spiky fur, the touch of both her pet and her boss helping to ground her in the current situation and begin to guide her away from the horrors of the past.

The three of them are squished into a jumble of bodies on the top step, Amanda tentatively detaching her other hand from the railing and grasping onto Olivia's wrist as the other woman assures her that she knows she didn't want to do those things with Patton. She feels Olivia's slender fingers entwine with her own and give a tender squeeze, Amanda returning the gesture as a broken sob emits from her mouth, not even sure why she is crying now but overcome with so many conflicting emotions that she doesn't know what to do with them all.

One emotion that seems to be rising above the rest and making itself known is a growing sense of guilt; the feeling only deepening and becoming stronger when Amanda thinks of how patient and kind Olivia has been with her, the older woman going above and beyond anything a boss should have to do for their subordinate. She knows that Noah is at home with Lucy, the little boy most likely eagerly awaiting his mother's return, and that Olivia should be spending Friday night with her son instead of crouched inside a smelly stairwell with her mentally unstable detective and a dog who has apparently decided that her owner is not the only one who needs her face licked.

"I think I'm okay now, Liv," she says quietly, turning her head and watching as the brunette winces and lets out a soft chuckle when Frannie swipes a wet tongue along her cheek, Amanda's heart clenching in her chest and the guilt exploding even further as she realizes why the canine is giving Olivia the same sort of affection.

A drop of liquid is trailing slowly down one side of her face, Olivia's beautiful olive complexion mottled red with her own emotions, and those big brown eyes swimming with more tears that look as if they are about to spill over at any moment. Amanda feels sick to stomach at the notion of not only taking Olivia away from her son for the evening, but exposing the older woman to a similar torment that she has already experienced with William Lewis and other men who have wreaked havoc in her life, Olivia forced to see these horrors all over again through the eyes of her detective.

"I'm fine now, Liv," Amanda murmurs determinedly as she disentangles their hands and pushes herself closer to the railing again in an effort to put some distance between herself and the lieutenant, as if this will lessen the emotional impact that her suffering is having on Olivia. "You should go home to Noah. You need to be with your son. I'm keeping you from him. You don't need this bullshit. I've put you through enough for one night."

"You've got to be kidding me, Amanda." Olivia's voice sounds stunned after several seconds of tense silence, as if the brunette has been trying to figure out what to say in response. "You are definitely _not_ fine and I sure as hell am not leaving you like this. Noah loves spending time with Lucy and I'll see him soon. Let's just concentrate on you right now, okay?"

Amanda chooses not to answer and leans her head against the railing as her face contorts with another impending round of tears, closing her eyes against the onslaught and feeling them begin to leak out from beneath her lashes. She lets out a low sob as she twists away from Olivia's touch and slips down to the next step, embarrassment and shame and terror coiled into such a tight knot inside her chest that it is difficult to draw in a deep breath.

"Amanda, stop trying to get away from me," the older woman chastises quietly, a soft palm coming to rest on the back of her head as fingernails scratch gently against her scalp. "I know it's hard for you to be open and honest about these things and you don't like breaking down in front of someone else, but you don't need to hide from me, okay? You don't need to apologize for keeping me from my son or for trying to work through the trauma of your past. Noah is just fine but you're not, honey. You are very far from it, in fact. I'm not going to leave you alone until I'm certain that it's safe to do so. Maybe it would be best for me to spend the night to make sure you're going to be okay. I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable leaving you by yourself anytime soon."

Amanda's head is bowed down in misery as the tears continue to drip one by one off her chin to form a small puddle of grief between her feet, overwhelmed with another wave of both relief and regret at the thought of Olivia staying with her overnight. She doesn't speak as she sits there hunched over on the step, her body shuddering hard as ragged sobs continue to force themselves from her throat, neither thanking Olivia for her generosity or protesting against it.

She can feel the older woman's hands come to rest lightly on each shoulder, Olivia's fingertips kneading gently into the tight muscles and once again suggesting they get up and make their way back to the apartment, Amanda blowing out a breath and willing herself to relax. She raises her head and straightens her body with the intention of staggering to her feet and removing herself from this dank stairwell, when she suddenly locks gazes with the person responsible for the rapid descent into her previous trauma, Charles Patton loitering on the landing at the bottom of the staircase.

Amanda draws in a sharp, petrified breath, the hope that her tormenter has left her alone for the time being swiftly draining away as she watches the older man place a foot on the first step that will lead him up to her. She rears back against Olivia's chest in an effort to put some space between herself and her former deputy chief, her boots skidding on the stair below and her head knocking into the other woman's chin, clutching at Olivia's knees as she hears the surprised gasp from behind and panicking at the feeling of the brunette's hands sliding from her shoulders to her waist to lock her in place.

"No, let go of me!" Amanda yelps in alarm, scrabbling at Olivia's fingers and trying to scramble backwards again as Patton advances toward her.

"Amanda, stop! I'm just trying to keep you from falling." Olivia's voice sounds breathless and confused and slightly pained, Amanda realizing that she is digging her fingernails into the soft skin hard enough to draw blood.

"He's coming up the stairs!" she wails in horror, whirling around on the step and burying her face into Olivia's chest to avoid having to watch his assent toward her, Frannie dancing nervously beside them and letting out a loud bark.

She listens to Olivia gently shush her dog before feeling strong but shaking arms tighten around her body to draw her closer, Olivia's chin resting on the crown of her head and her hands rubbing briskly up and down her back. "Amanda, he's not here, sweetheart. We need to get you some help right now, okay?"

Amanda goes rigid in the older woman's embrace as she listens to the heavy footsteps come to a halt behind her and feels long fingers slowly lifting up the back of her jacket and shirt to expose her goosebumped skin to the stale air, her breath catching in her throat and her heart thudding wildly because she knows it's not Olivia who is doing this without her consent. She untucks her face from the folds of the lieutenant's coat and stares imploringly up at her, willing Olivia to see the man who is torturing her, but the brunette merely stares back down at her with large, dark eyes that are glimmering with tears and blatant alarm etched on her features.

Frannie has abandoned her nervous dance to slump onto the steps next to them, whining pitifully but not looking around or growling or showing any sign that she is aware of another presence in the stairwell with them, and Amanda bites as hard as she can onto the inside of her cheek to keep from screaming in frustration. She knows that Olivia is right; that she needs to get help as soon as possible and will have to deal with whatever the consequences may be, because she just can't live like this anymore.

She presses her face into Olivia's jacket again, muffling a horrified sob against the thick material as those probing fingers begin tracing up her spine, inching closer to the clasp on her bra. Her breath is emitting in short, harsh puffs, and she gags when the large hand on her back suddenly dips down toward the waistband of her dress pants, one finger hooking beneath the garment and brushing the top of her cotton underwear.

_"Liv,"_ she whimpers helplessly, frozen to the step while she clings to her boss and her dog hovers nearby, unable to put a stop to what is happening. "He's touching me."

"Oh, sweetheart, _no_. He's not touching you. It's just me; I'm the only one touching you right now."

Olivia's voice is full of empathy and concern, a hint of fear evident beneath, and Amanda lets herself be hauled to her feet, grateful to the taller woman for taking control of the situation and walking them both toward the door of the stairwell with careful, shaky steps, their arms still wrapped tightly around one another while Frannie trails eagerly behind them.

"I've got you, honey. He's not here. You're safe with me. We're going to get you some help and put a stop to all of this."

Amanda listens to Olivia's soothing voice as they make their way back to her apartment and she lets the brunette remove her coat and boots for her, relieved to feel only Olivia's touch now as the older woman guides her over to the couch and lowers her down onto the cushions. When Olivia runs a tender hand over her head and tells her that she's going to step into the kitchen to make some calls, Amanda instantly panics again; terrified of what comes next and unwilling to relinquish her hold on Olivia just yet, her fingers grasping frantically at the brunette's blouse.

"Don't leave me, Liv," Amanda pleads in a ragged tone, her desire for comfort and security outweighing any of the embarrassment and shame she feels at falling apart so thoroughly. "Just sit with me for a minute, okay?"

"I'm not leaving you," Olivia whispers fiercely, Amanda immediately enveloped into her embrace again as the lieutenant sits down on one side of her and Frannie hops up to perch on the other. "I'm right here, honey. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you still see him?"

Amanda shakes her head wordlessly, melting into the sturdy body of her friend and her eyelids fluttering closed as exhaustion takes over her body, suddenly feeling desperate for a long sleep now that Charles Patton isn't in the vicinity anymore.

"This will stop, Amanda." Olivia's voice is still ringing with a quiet ferocity, Amanda revelling in the feeling of those protective arms looped around her and wishing they could remain like this for the rest of the evening. "I know it doesn't seem like things are going to get better, but they will. I promise you that. It's just going to take some time."

"I'm afraid he's never going to leave me alone," Amanda acknowledges with a squeak of fear, images of Patton still playing on a loop inside her brain even though she can no longer see him standing in front of her or feel him touching her. "I can still his hear voice in my head, even when I can't see him. I can still hear the way he spoke to me; the awful, condescending things he said. When Kim got into trouble, he told me that he would only try to help her if I slept with him; that it was the next logical step, anyway, because our relationship was already heading in that direction and each of us could help the other out. He actually called what he was doing to me a 'relationship', like we were dating or something; like I actually enjoyed it and he wasn't doing anything by force."

"So you admit that it was done by force, than?" Olivia asks very gently, Amanda tilting her head in confusion at the question. "Earlier you told me that you let Patton do some of those things to you. You seem to be placing part of the blame on yourself, honey, when all of the blame should fall on him and only him."

"Sometimes I don't know exactly how I feel about everything that happened," Amanda confesses softly with a shrug. "My feelings go back and forth a lot. I would get so angry and frightened when he was doing those things to me, thinking how unfair it was for him to treat me that way and what a gross breach of trust it was, but then I would feel so guilty and furious with myself for going along with it. Was my job really so important that I couldn't tell someone what was going on; that I had to keep it a secret? I worried so much about my job back then and I still worry about it now...having it taken away from me for not doing what someone else wants or because I can't control whatever is happening in my brain right now...nightmares, flashbacks, hallucinations..."

"Amanda, Charles Patton had absolutely no right to threaten your job when you worked in Atlanta, and you are in no way responsible for the things that he said or did to you, do you understand me?" Olivia's voice is a combination of tender and stern once again, the older woman's fingers coming to rest beneath Amanda's chin and lifting her head up so they are looking each other in the eye. "I know how much your work means to you; I know you put your heart and soul into every single case that we get. You are one of the best detectives I have ever worked with, and your job will be waiting for you when you're ready to come back. But right now, you need to take some time away and focus on your recovery, okay? Nothing is more important than your health."

"I know," Amanda murmurs sorrowfully as it finally starts to sink in just how crucial it is to allow herself ample time to heal; to fully explore everything she has gone through in the past and attempt to put a halt to what is happening now. "I don't want to live like this. I want to feel better. I hate being so scared all the time."

"It's a terrible feeling, isn't it? I want you to feel better too, Amanda. It's very hard to see you like this." Olivia's voice is low and compassionate, and Amanda can see the tear stains on her cheeks, touched and sad that her boss feels so deeply for what she is going through and can relate so well to her pain.

"Thank you for being here with me, Liv," Amanda says in a hushed tone, determined not to start crying again as her own tears dry on her face, her thoughts and emotions still whirling like a tornado inside her mind as she contemplates how long it will take until her life returns to normal again.

"I'll always be here for you, Amanda. Thank you for trusting me enough to help you."

Amanda smiles softly at Olivia's heartfelt words, a trace of hope peeking through the agony and turmoil as she resolves to try as hard as she possibly can to fight her way through this darkness and conquer her demons. She is comforted by the knowledge that her boss and friend will be right by her side throughout the recovery process, snuggling closer to Olivia's taller form as Frannie lays her furry head on her lap, and she finally begins to feel a sense of safety and peace.


End file.
